With a Kinky Resource Round-Up included!

(Scroll down… more… almost… all the way down)

A Case For Kink Communities 

In a October 2023 Gallup Survey worldwide found that about 1 in 4 adults are either very lonely or fairly lonely, so this not just you. You aren’t a freak- we live in a freaky world, ok? Also now is a great time to really look at another level that the fucking patriarchy has hurt men. I talk to a lot of people about loneliness and about relationships, like… a lot. And I hear a lot of shame from men regarding their need for belonging, acceptance, companionship and social support. I want you guys to begin to realize how these harmful standards of masculinity have HURT you, how they have NOT helped you, and to the extent that you can fucking trash them, do so, though let me explain a little bit on what trashing beliefs like these looks like as a person, ok? Sometimes we hear the very simplistic answers such as “feel your feelings” or “trash that belief” that sounds so quaint and simple, that we don’t understand the work behind that process. If we don’t understand the work, we cannot do the work, right? And then it just feels like another failure, right?

How To Trash Unhelpful & Self-Defeating Beliefs

So trashing a belief like this is a process, and not a momentary decision. You don’t tell your mind that you don’t believe it no more, and walk away, though it would fucking be nice, wouldn’t it? It’s going to involve things like:

• Refuting your negative beliefs “No, it fucking doesn’t make me weak to need connection, it makes me human”. You can do this to individual thoughts, you can personalize this into a nice little character in your head, such as Toxic Tom, and fucking tell that bitch boy off.
• Affirmations, so not just refuting negative beliefs, but replacing them with helpful, supportive and more accurate statements. “I am worthy of love and connection, and I have so much to give”. Affirmations help re-program our subconscious mind, btw- and our subconscious mind is responsible for the way we look at situations.
• Find the exceptions. You can start to do little investigations and seek to find the exceptions to your negative beliefs instead of confirmation of it. Youve heard of confirmation bias, yes? Our brain LOVES to create connections and to alleviate uncertainty. Our brain loves to come up with tried-and-true rules for living- but life in indefinitely more complicated than that. Now I know many of you have been at it for YEARS, and the universe continues to offer you confirmation of your difficulty in creating connections and the untrustworthiness of other people- I am going to suggest that the evidence you received may be real or may be just your perception, but either way- its certainly not the entire story, right? You make your observations on limited information and use that limited information to come up with a world view- but how about expanding the data collection, right? This is about finding the evidence against your negative observations.
• Retrain your nervous system. This is going to involve allowing those negative feelings to rise up, and then using regulating tools to begin to train your nervous system to not react quite as severely. I’ve spoken about this before, so definitely go back and listen to the nervous system episode. But basically, our nervous system is responsive to us- if we avoid certain things because we find them threatening, our nervous system is going to assume that this avoidance is necessary to sustain life. It believes us, in other words. So when you avoid them, your nervous system is going to support you in that by increasing your anxiety around that- so you can then successfully avoid the trigger because that’s what’s going to keep you alive. Systematic desensitization, which is just a big fancy term for slowly building up your nervous system tolerance to a trigger that is distressful but not deadly. This involves identified increasingly hard triggers but starting at the easiest, building tolerance, and practicing tools we can use to survive discomfort without shutting it off or running away. Its like building a muscle.

Honestly, I could keep going, but I almost wouldn’t know where to stop. My point in saying this is for you guys to understand that this is an active, engaged, and SLOW process that will not be a one and done. This is a new way of life, and the more you practice it, the less effort and capacity it will take to do it.

Epidemic of Loneliness

Let’s take a look at a May 2023 medical report from the Surgeon General to highlight some of the impacts of what they refer to as the “devastating impact of the epidemic of loneliness and isolation in the US

Before we jump into the material, I want to set the stage & frame our discussion a little bit. I am going to be sharing some distressing facts about the effects of loneliness here. I am going to be discussing some medical comorbidities and risk factors associated with loneliness. Its important for me to make a strong enough case for joining into some kink communities in order to overcome the fuckton of resistance we all naturally have towards change, trying new things, overcoming our fears and insecurities- the things that keep up rooted in the same place, even when that place is causing us pain. So please understand that is the intent here- this information is meant to help build a case for taking action- small incremental steps, right? We dont tend to make change by leaping off the cliff, despite what those 90s inspiration posters used to tell us. This is about us creating small, manageable changes that challenge us, but don’t throw us into crisis or destabilization, right? That actually doesn’t help our cause. I am telling you this because I really dont want you to hear this information and sink into a pit of despair because these things feel inevitable. They aren’t. This is about making a case for action, in the same way that we make a case for action when we have hypertension or diabetes and need to make life changes to improve our health.

Physical consequences of poor social support & connection:

– 29% increased risk of heart disease
– 32% increased risk of stroke
– 50% increased risk of dementia
– 60% increased risk of premature death
– Double risk of depression & anxiety

Around the same time, the Surgeon General also this about loneliness:

“Millions of people in America are struggling in the shadows, and that’s not right. We now know that loneliness is a common feeling that many people experience. It’s like hunger or thirst. It’s a feeling the body sends us when something we need for survival is missing.” – Surgeon General Vivek Murthy

Now let’s examine get another more expansive look causes and risks associated with loneliness from “Loneliness: Causes and Health Consequences” from verywellmind.

The Causes of Loneliness

• Environmental causes such as physical isolation or rural areas, moving, a new job, divorce, separation, loss of a relationship, death of a loved one.
• Psychological reasons, such as depression or anxiety that make socializing difficult or reduce overall capacity to deal with life overall.
• Internal factors such as low self-esteem or lack of self-worth, personality types, etc.
• Health factors, such as disability, chronic health conditions, etc that also reduce capacity

The Risks Associated with Loneliness

• Alcohol and Drug misuse
• Altered brain function
• Alzheimer’s disease progression
• Anti social behavior (would then further compounds the problem)
• Cardiovascular disease & stroke
• Decreased memory and learning
• Depression and suicide
• Increased stress levels
• Poor decision making
• Research als shows that lonely people get less exercise, eat higher fat diets, sleep less, are more fatigued, and due to literal cell disruption, they age faster.

So loneliness is not about a reduced quantity of social connections & interactions, it speaks more into the quality of them. If you see and speak to people all day but feel like none of them know you, can know you or that they would reject you if they did know you, that is fucking loneliness. You can be lonely in a crowd of people, and that’s a fact.

Decreasing Loneliness

So I am going to start off with some tips to reduce loneliness here within the article “Loneliness: Causes and Health Consequences”. Then we will jump into looking at kinky communities you can explore to bring you a bit closer into community with your fellow perverts, yes?

Ideas help create a community & a support system:

1) Community Service or community recreational activity. Volunteerism is a great place to start to build up low self esteem. As we use our strenghts and talents to help others, we WILL start to feel better about ourselves. And its surprising the ways you can feel connected to people you work alongside or serve to improve their lives.

2) Expect the best, or delusional optimism, as I like to refer to it as. If the worst happens, it happens. I know that we cannot control the thoughts that show up, but we very much can start to change what we do when they show up. Refute unhelpful ones, affirm more positive and helpful ones, etc.

3) Focus on developing quality relationships. Look for creating relationships with people who share your beliefs, or that you feel that you have a better chance at opening up to. This is one reason why I keep telling the kinksters to develop some kinky communities, because our sexuality tends to be something we have to hide from the normies, for our safety. And that truly takes its toll on our ability to connect with others. Even if different people know different parts of you- be fully known while you walk in this world, or as close as possible. But kinky communities, churches, spiritual centers, political parties that you feel represented in, different social causes or hobbies you have. These are great places to begin to venture out and set to the important work of creating communities.

4) Use loneliness as a trigger. Few weeks back, or fuck, maybe even last week in The Bad Pain I talked about how pain is essentially our brain’s guess at how much damage we are facing in order to prompt action- same with loneliness. When we are hungry, it is our prompt to get food. When we are hungry it is our prompt to drink something. When we are tired, it is our prompt to go to bed. When we are lonely, it is our prompt to do something about it.

5) Fully calculate the costs of loneliness in your life, AS A WAY TO BUILD A STRONG ENOUGH CASE TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO ADDRESS IT. This mathemetical rendering of our costs is NOT to be done with a whip in hand, to punish ourselves for… you know, being a human being. This is not something to sit and mope about- this is to be used when doing the things that can help alleviate loneliness feel too hard or threatening, we can build motivation. “Yes, people may look at me or may not sit with me at the lunch table if I sign up for a new community service project BUT how does that compare to the risk I face being lonely throughout my life- the health risks- the emotional risks”. Its really a perspective framing exercise, ok? This is not a helpful exercise to do without having some intentions of using this information to self-motivate, meaning please do not sit at home making lists of all the ways being lonely hurts and costs you when you feel horrible about yourself and have no intention of doing anything at the moment about it. It IS a great exercise to do when you are having a bit of a internal meltdown about trying to go to a social engagement and it feels big and scary and you want to call off- that’s a great time to do that math and look at both sides of the equation to see what is actually more dangerous- continuing to marinate in loneliness or taking the risk.

6) Join a group or start your own. Most communities, even itty bitty ones, have different civic, social, religoius groups. Check with your city, any rec centers, the local YMCA, check the local schools or colleges for community programs, start a fucking book club, join a virtual club, etc. Also keep in mind that you can also lead the helm and work to be the connection for others too.

7) Strengthen current relationships. Speak up and let the people around you know that you want to do more things with them. Open up, take a risk… an intelligent, weighted risk. Like, please dont go into your boss and tell them my femdom mistress Ms Becky told me I need to open up more and by the way, Im a sissy and I love to suck cock? Thats not it, folks. But hey, I’m having a bit of trouble with loneliness- would you be open to putting a coffee date, a lunch a walk, a movie, whatver on the books with me 2x/month? Can we plan some weekly phone calls? Just because you arent that close with the people in your life YET doesnt mean that you can’t be with some effort, right?

8) Talk to trusted people. Don’t hold it in, sweetness. We often do want to hold it on because feeling exposed in uncomfy, but holding in all of our pain simply stores it in our body so its always around us, cultivates a growing sense of shame and isolation, and leaves you feeling unloved anyways, right? Look for a therapist, a professional, a relative that you feel safe with, a kinky phonesex mistress with a heart of gold.

Kink Communities: Beat the Loneliness

There are a couple of things that I would say set a kinky community apart from other communities, and here they are, in no particular order:

• They are almost immediately more intimate and open than any communities I have been a part of, though my slave boy 2326 and I were talking the other week, and he aptly noted that while we are more intimate in some areas, a lot of the areas that we are very open with our irl relationships we are a lot more protective of, like our names, where we live, our faces, like the information that we freely share outside of kinky communities.
• They are highly nonjudgmental people, for the most part a lot of people who have known the cost of social rejection and cruelty themselves, so they really tend to be more considerate and courteous than other communities I have been a part of
• They are a community of people who LOVES talking about our sexuality, our kinks, fetishes, experiences, and desires, so it really fills a void if you don’t have others to talk to about this.
• They can be very educational and increase your safety when playing in real life. We share information, practices, keep each other safe. As a side note, I would immediately red flag anyone who wants to keep you out of the kink spaces, who wants to isolate you. That isn’t to say that whoever you are playing with needs to share you- but that if someone is trying to discourage you from talking to other submissives, from being in kinky spaces for friendship and comradery, I am immediately on alert that this person may not have you best interests at heart. I think there is a real respect for education, for sharing tools, practices, rituals and information with one another… and I also think that because of the way we play, it’s even more important than in the normy spaces, you know?
• Finally, I would say that us kinky people need the validation and acceptance of others regarding our sexuality maybe a little bit more than others, bc most of us felt like FREAKS as we discovered that our sexual desires are a bit unconventional, right? So, it can be a big source of healing that part of ourselves.

Some Notes of Caution for Entering a Kinky Community 

• You maybe don’t actually need to share your personal details off the bat- bad faith actors in EVERY community, right? And there can be real life consequences for being kinky, and most kinksters are VERY aware of that and will understand your need for privacy, at least of the bat. It is completely acceptable, almost expected, that we are going to be mindful of each other’s privacy, so feel free to protect that privacy in any way you feel called to. And on that same note, it is good form to be very mindful of other people’s privacy too.
• With any sexually oriented meet ups, and yes this includes run of the mill dates, there ARE safety concerns. These spaces and activities do offer up opportunities for bad faith actors and people with evil intent to hunt for victims, which means that any in person meet ups should follow some basic safety guidelines: talk for a bit on the phone or online first, meet up in public spaces at first, don’t go off isolated and alone with someone without letting people know where you are (you don’t have to say why you are going), etc.

Ok, so… how we get one of these cool kinky communities anyways, Ms Becky?

Alright, so let’s look at some of the low hanging fruit, communities that exist and are accessible wherever you may be, starting with a few of my favorite options.

Enchantrix Empire: You guys knew it was coming, didn’t you? But of course, I am going to give enchantrixempire.com a shout out. Not only is it my company’s own social media platform, but I know the quality and caliber of the mistresses and the underlings, and they are fucking good people. And I think a lot of people get intimidated about joining in, but remember, you soaking up the validation, the understanding, the recognition that other people share your pain… and your pleasure, actually requires fuck all from you other than to be there. You can just start to see how other people share and discuss their own journeys, what they are talking about, what they connect with, what helps, what hurts. Also, EE is what you make it- as our most of the social media experiences and platforms (though some are legitimately cesspools of scum too, lol). Keep in mind that you can start groups for other people to join as well, so if you do have a special interest, you can also make a group on your own. Its free, theres a lot of mistresses in their teasing our subby boys and sissy girls, and there is room to make it what you want it to be. We also have chat forums and rooms such as communitykink.com, teasemania.com, getgirlie.com. We would love to have you in any of these resources, and any or all could be places for you to seek connection.

Twitter: I hate to say it as I don’t love me some Elon Musk, but twitter can be a cesspool… but it also has a thriving kink community and content. And a fucking block button and a scroll button for when you see something that is yucky or weird or cesspooly. But I know that I light play with people on Twitter, I have fun on twitter, find cool memes and jokes and laugh my ass off on twitter, so it is a potential resource as well. Follow me at @MsBeckyEnchants– I’m fucking hilarious 😉

BDSM Dating Websites: I found a pretty decent guide for some BDSM dating websites and encourage you to check them out! Pros and Cons are listed as well. I HIGHLY recommend that if you are kinky and want to start dating, that you check them out, see which matches your goals best, and then take the (positive, healthy, and informed) risk. Also please know that there are about 5 or 6 of those resources that offer fantastic kinky communities that are not exclusive to dating.

Kink Aware/Friendly Mental Health Resources 

Kink Aware Professionals: For mental health resources, I highly encourage you to check out this very expansive resource. Its a directory of kink aware and poly aware professionals that allows them to label themselves as friendly, aware, and knowledgeable- friendly being open and nonjudgmental, aware meaning that you have some experience with working with kinky clients and some deeper awareness of the culture, and knowledgeable meaning that you are someone who has some specialty experience in kink and poly spaces. It offers guidance and categories help to assist you in streamlining your search to get you the info that will best help you. I have heard many kinksters say they attempted therapy, and found their practitioner to be less than helpful, and sometimes harmful, even those listed as kink friendly. If that is the case with you, use this guide to find “kink knowledgeable” people.

Free Sex Ed Webinars: As a lifetime student, I very much enjoy hanging out in educational spaces and find them to be a great source of connection. Plus, exposure to anything that is discussing relationships is usually beneficial in terms of increasing your emotional and social IQ. Plus, learning new kinky skills is a great thing to do for when you do create those kinky relationships, lol.

Somatic Mental Health Resources: This resource is JAM PACKED with a ton of resources. It’s focus is decolonizing the body, culture, race, gender and sexuality and therefore is a stellar option for anyone who may be on decolonization journey, a Person of Color, or otherwise feel marginalized. For those of you who are not into decolonization as a concept, it is well worth your time to look into the somatic (soma = body) practices that can help you to learn how to live an integrated, embodied life.

Non-Kinky Mental Health & Community Resources

Crisis Hotlines

Abuse Registry 800-962-2873 (96ABUSE)

National Self-Injury Info Line 800-366-8288 (DON’T CUT)

Sexual Assault 954-761-7273 

Suicide Prevention 800-784-2433 (SUICIDE)

Hope Line 800-442-4673 (HOPE)

Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 (TALK)

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention 888-333-2377

Suicide Prevention Spanish 888-628-9454

Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860

The Trevor Line (LGBTQ+ Support) 

Related KINKology Episodes

Listen to the full episode of “Kink Community: Find You One” here.

From Me To You with Love

I’ll end with this- you are perfect, whole and complete and we live in a pretty harsh world. It’s understandable how anyone would want to protect themselves, but no matter how isolated you feel, you have opportunities to reach out to people. Use them. And feel free to call me in and have me on your team, whether as a sexy friend, a naughty therapist, a less naughty therapist, or as a sadistic, controlling Mistress… or, all of the above. Be safe, be well, and be kinky! 

Other Fun Links

About Ms Becky

Ms Becky’s Store & Audio Clips

Ms Becky’s Schedule

Follow Ms Becky on Twitter (@MsBeckyEnchants)

Connect with Ms Becky on Skype 

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